Living it up--Hotel Catafornia

Welcome to our humble abode, a place where felines outnumber humans.  Still all the residents have things in common.  For example, feline residents like to stalk birds and humans occasionally listen to birds, like Eagles, so we'll call this place the Hotel Catafornia.  All the residents at this hotel are permanent, so there is no caviar or pink champagne on ice.  Still, we do aim to please.  An occasional expensive feline entree supplements the regular fare.  

There are no more dinky little cat beds for these cats because they like their linens freshly washed.  And even more important, they want to sit where ever I'm going to sit.  For a while, my swiveling desk chair was all the rage.  To earn the the privilege of using  my chair, I had to get a couple more chairs and cushion them with fluffy blankets.  Although occasionally they use their chairs, they still prefer mine. 

Lately, some of the feline residents have developed a taste for lounging on sofas.  Unfortunately, there are not enough sofas for all of them and the humans, too.  Still, even if there were enough sofas for each cat, fights would continue to break out.  Everybody always wants to recline in the same place at the same time.  Yes, the guests here tend to be rowdy.

Fresh flowers are often provided for my guests' amusement.  There's nothing as exhilarating as tipping over a vase of flowers and arranging them tastefully all over the counter in artful puddles of water.

All of our catnip and cat grass is organic and locally grown, right on site, actually.  Unfortunately, the guests tend to mow the plants down as fast as I can grow them.

Even the host occasionally needs down time.  I can either choose to recline on a sofa under a pile of cats or sit on the floor.  When I choose the floor, a few of them will join me.  Then I make my move and spring for the sofa where I will soon be resting under a pile of cats.

Would you like your coffee or tea served with cream, sugar, or a sprinkling of cat hair?  And would you prefer to hold your cup or have it knocked into your lap? 

Welcome to the Hotel Catafornia.  It's such a lovely place.  Unless you are allergic to cats. 

Extreme mooching

Queen of the Mooches

Humans can be so insensitive.  If they had any compassion whatsoever, they would know that dry  cat food just isn't good enough. 

For years, the poor outdoor ferals have been trying to educate me.  They hang around the porch door at certain times of day, not so subtly hinting that they are hungry.  Insensitive oaf that I am, I step out the door with the dreaded.....dry food.  As I put the dreadful stuff, in their dishes, they stare up at me with disgust.  Then they politely nibble at it for a minute or two.  And while they're eating, I go about my indoor activities.  Until I glance at the sliding door and see the same cats with their faces pressed pathetically against the glass of the sliding door.  I try to ignore them, but if I pass close enough to the door for them to see me, they stand on their hind legs and start begging.  Sometimes, I'll cave in and get them a can.  As soon as they see the can, they start climbing the screen.  Because of this, the screen has been replaced with heavy duty, pet proof screening.

While the con-cats are mooching at the back of the house, roving tom cats are at the front porch, eating the dry food.  A little while later, the girls are hungry again.  I know this because I'll see a face pressed at a window, or if I step outside, they will charge me.

The absolute queen of the mooches is Vixen.  The minute I step out a door in the morning, she ambushes me.  She is often accompanied by her daughter, Ginger.  This pair is incorrigible.  They will swarm me and start herding me towards the door.  The whole time they will be tripping me and clawing at my pant legs.  If I didn't have such a soft spot for Vixen, I would wring their necks.  Instead, I fight my way through them and into the house, slamming the screen door behind me.  As I get them their blasted canned food, I can see them hanging from the screen and howling.

The dark calico is more subtle.  She will just crouch at the door with her face pressed against the glass.  She looks so mournful, I'd have to be a monster to resist.

Because these mooches are so skillful, I'm probably feeding half the neighborhoods' cats dry food.  My three feline con artists shake me down for canned food and what do I get in return?  They use my potted plants for litter boxes and leave dead mice on my porch.  Better dead mice than live ones, I guess.     

Rare photos! Mythical Creatures Discovered

Salem 666, hell bent on destruction

Mythical creatures.  Dragons.  Chimeras.  Unicorns.  Of all the magical creatures, the Felinus Destructus or Feline Carpenter Ant is the most elusive of them all.  Elusive, yes.  It's often hard to catch these guys in the act.  Yet they aren't exactly invisible.  They exist in plain sight, right under our very noses.  Literally.  A sneeze by the nasally challenged may indicate that magical dander from the Felinus Destructus is present. 

Caught in the act, a large specimen

Lost hairs are one of the most common signs that these creatures are among us.  They leave hair on the sofa and their hair clings to drapes.  Daily, I find clumps of fur on the carpet.  Lint rollers and the vacuum cleaner are my constant and trusted companions in the quest to catch the Felinus Destructus.

To the experienced Feline Carpenter Ant tracker, hair isn't the only indicator that these creatures are present.  Those claw marks on your walls and woodwork, torn spots on the carpet, chewed up cardboard boxes, even gnawed and uprooted plants are more signs.

Large specimen gloating over handiwork

Members of the Felinus Destructus clan are very crafty and clever.  They hide in plain sight by disguising themselves as common domestic cats.  Think your cat is just a cat?  Think again!  

Why are humans graced with the companionship of such magical mystical creatures?  These beings are placed among us as teachers.  As they destroy the property of materialistic humans, humans learn to value what's really important in life.  THEM! FELINUS DESTRUCTUS! 

Don't bother trying to catch one of these wondrous creatures.  They'll catch you.

Examine the picture below and then answer the following question to test your knowledge of the Felinus Destructus.  

Was this annoyed flower child caught in the act of sniffing or chewing?

A chat with Peggy, one tough cat

She's a calico from Mama's second to the last litter, a litter of kittens I was not overjoyed to see.  This  litter was one of several simultaneous litters that pushed the feral cat count to over twenty.

Peggy isn't the prettiest cat.  She's a homely type of cute with the personality of a pickle.  In other words, she's a cat's cat and doesn't like people. 

Other than  her eerie resemblance to my cousin, Peggy, hence the name, the grouchy calico didn't stand out.  At least not the way her nosy brother Clyde, also a people hater, stood out.  I didn't even want to trap him and one day I caught him three times.  Needless to say, Clyde was a real character. 

It's weird having unfriendly friends.  Peggy has been my unfriendly friend for over five years now.  She comes when I call her, so she knows her name.  She will come up on the porch with me at feeding time.  But if I make a noise or move fast, she darts out of arm's reach. When I'm filling the food dishes, she will crouch at little distance, maybe foot or two away, to watch me.  Occasionally, I'll trick her.  I'll be petting one of the others and Peg will start to eat.  Then I'll carefully move a hand over and touch Peggy's back.  This always freaks Peggy out and she'll be extremely wary for a while.

Peggy's wild and that's okay.  Her cautious nature is probably why she's survived as a feral for so long.  And though she's an unfriendly friend, she occasionally makes a gesture.  She gazes up me with adoring eyes to show me I'm not as bad as some of those other awful human things.  And just this morning, she spoke to me.
She was sitting in the bushes a couple feet away from me.  I said, "Hi, Peg."  She turned towards me and moved her mouth.  I stepped a little closer and spoke to her again.  She softly meowed at me.  We spoke back and forth for a couple more minutes before I went in the house.  Most likely, neither of us had a clue what the other was saying.  But it didn't matter because that's about as good as it gets with an unfriendly friend.       
 

Fun with claws and teeth

Just when you think it's safe to dress for summer, out come the....CLAWS!  Kittens are irresistible, so  soft, purry and so cute.  But they should come with a warning label:  Caution!  Sharp parts.  May be hazardous to flesh.

Kittenish cuteness is a brilliant disguise for the hellions.  They even fool each other... at first.    Litter-mates start off being such good buddies.  But as they get older and wiser, they realize being punctured by razor-like claws and needle sharp fangs is so over- rated.  And so they become wary of each other.  They have experienced first paw, the pain they can inflict on each other.   

I have experienced this phenomena myself.  A few scratches here and a couple bites there.... well, it gets old really fast.  True, some people enjoy being pierced with sharp instruments and will pay good money for piercings and tattoos.  But it's a one shot deal.  Each time you get punctured, you have to pay.  In these tough economic times, it would be far more sensible to invest in a couple of cats.  For a minimal investment, you can be pierced and punctured unlimited times for years to come.

Although the bites and scratches of adult cats give you more bang for your buck, kittens are the way to go if you want frequent piercings.  Get a couple of kittens and wear shorts.  Your legs will be so adorned with scratches, people will think you are a cutter.  Unlike ink tattoos, which are permanently placed and require expensive medical procedures to change or remove, cat scratches are versatile.  As one group of scratches fades, the cat will be more than happy to apply a cluster somewhere else.  You never have to worry about boredom over feline applied body art..

By the time your kitten is an adult, the scratches and bites come less frequently, but they have more impact.  An effective way to rouse an adult cat into administering a temporary tattoo is to taunt the cat with a very short string or stick.  It's guaranteed to work every time. 

If you're the type that likes to visit doctors, by all means get bitten by your cat.  Hand feeding is an excellent way to acquire a good bite.  I was careless last summer and a feline tooth slipped into my thumb beside the nail.  It hurt like the dickens but there was no visible mark, at first.  But I wasn't disappointed for long. Within a few days, the thumb had swelled to three times its normal size and turned pretty colors.  After a round of antibiotics and a lancing, the thumb began to heal.  Nine months later, the injured nail is finally almost grown out.  I certainly got my money's worth from that piercing!  Best of all, I got it done for free!   

Cat Chat #101, 5 survival lessons

Wild kittens play together like they'll be best friends forever.  But all that stalking and pouncing are practice for the real thing.  When their hormones kick in, they pommel the crap out of each other and the fighting is no longer a game.  They are trying to drive each other away in what they perceive is a life or death fight for space and resources.

Compared to jungle felines like lions and tigers, domestic cats are pretty small.  Their small size is so deceptive.  Those ten or fifteen pound feline bodies house enormous souls and huge personalities. So  cats are rugged individualists and often prefer to prowl alone. 

Most pet cats have been born in "captivity" and not given a choice about how or where they will live.  I have learned some fascinating lessons watching my flock of feral cats. 

Lesson 1: Cats have as many "druthers" as people do: 
 There are cats that don't like other cats or people.  There are cats that prefer the company of cats.  There are cats that prefer other cats but can tolerate people. 
There are cats that don't like cats and prefer people. 
And then there are cats that learn to think they are superior specimens of humanity.  A lot of house cats wind up like this.

Lesson 2:  Some of the feral cats want no part of indoors.
Some of the cats want to come in and go out as they please. 
None of the cats want to stay indoors permanently.

My six indoor cats started as outdoor cats.  It's been tough for them to adjust to not being allowed out anymore.  Actually it's been tough on me, too.  Sometimes I feel guilty for keeping them in.  But these guys are special and I nearly lost four of them to outdoor injuries.  I got sick of plucking number five off the roof, so she came in.  And after several years, I'm still asking myself why I brought number six in. 

Even indoors, these guys manage to get in trouble.  They didn't get to choose their feline housemates and they don't always get along.  Five of the six are siblings.  When I have to break up yet another fight, I remind myself how hellish life would be if I was cooped up with my siblings. 

Tommy, the money cat, is not a sibling and his non-sibling status causes it's own set of problems.  The biggest problem with Tommy is that Leo hates him.  Even though Tommy is bigger, Leo fights with him and is always begging me to put Tommy back out.  A benefit to Tommy's presence is that he's become Frodo's ally.  Before Tommy entered the house, Frodo played the role of whipping girl with her siblings.

Lesson 3:  Certain cats become great friends and others remain enemies.  Feline personalities grate on each other just like human personalities do. And to add to the excitement, some humans and some felines get along just fine, while other feline-human personality combinations are....more difficult.

Lesson 4:  When Mommy and Daddy told you they didn't have favorites, they lied.  If you have multiple felines and favor one or two over the others, don't kick yourself.  This stuff happens.  We are not machines. 

 Lesson 5:  If several cats live in the same dwelling with you, they will run a tight ship to maintain order.  Over you.  Never forget, Human, that you are out numbered and out witted.

Not Mel Gibson

Psycho Kitty

Such a sweet face and such beautiful green eyes.  Her fur is soft and silky, but she's no cuddly ball of fluff.  She's nosy, noisy, mischievous and quarrelsome.  No big old tomcat or human is going to tell her what to do. 

Poor misunderstood Salem.  She's not asking much.  All she wants to do is rule the world.  Or at least rule the household and her siblings.  And she'll do whatever it takes to get her way, including the use of physical violence.  Two of her siblings fear her.  Her other feline housemates tend to fight back. 

Although she's kind of a bully and very pushy, she's sensitive and her feelings are often hurt.  Nothing hurts her feelings as bad as not getting her way.  And when she doesn't get her way, she behaves even worse.

Even though she can be extremely maddening, she has her sweet moments.  And it's a damn good thing she does.  She also does such weird things, it's hard not to laugh at her antics.  Last week, she drove me so crazy,  I decided her middle name must be 666. 

It's taken a while, but I finally understand her, sort of.  She's not being a she-devil to be perverse.  She's just being herself, a little fiend.  She really can't help it.  So what if I answer the phone and she tries to help me.  Big deal if the wind blows the wrong way causing her to climb the drapes.  As long as she doesn't blind her siblings or make me want to throttle her, all is good.  It's just Salem hearing the call of the wild and obeying it..