Vampire Ginger bites the wrong cat

Ginger, taking time to sniff the garlic

Sadly, many cats get bored enough to chase their own tails.  But Ginger, the "eccentric" orange feral, takes tail chasing to a whole new level.  If I hadn't heard her yelping and then seen her in action, well, I wouldn't have believed it.

Ginger's bizarre new version of tail chasing happened late one Saturday evening.  Interestingly, it was also the night of the full moon.  But I'll let you decide for yourself if there is a connection between Ginger's weird behavior and the full moon.

On this particular Saturday night, I was up late and engrossed in a book.  Three cats were keeping me company as I read, two cats hovering on the back of my chair and one cat sitting on the chair beside me.  The other four cats were off in other rooms, doing whatever it is cats do when humans are not watching.  Suddenly, I heard some scurrying.  Scurrying sounds are not unusual in my house so I continued to read.  The scurrying sounds got louder and more frenzied but this was still not not unusual.  Nightly feline rampages happen...well.. nightly.  Shrugging the weird noises off, I continued reading until I noticed my feline reading companion

s were tensed up and staring at something.  Before I could even turn to see what they were raptly staring at, I heard the first yelp.  And then another.  And another.  Thinking, CATFIGHT, I jumped up to put a stop to it.  But instead of discovering a cat fight, I saw something very strange unfolding before my eyes. 

Ginger, the vampire cat, had left her favorite hiding spot under a couch in another room and dropped by to hang out with me and the other cats.  But unfortunately, we must have been boring her, so she decided to entertain herself.  She did this by rolling and writhing around on the floor while trying to catch her tail.  And when she caught it, she'd bite it and yelp.  One or two self inflicted bites would have been enough for most cats.  But not Ginger.  She'd bite her tail, then get mad because it hurt and bite herself again.  This continued until my laughing startled her.  Frightened, she abandoned abusing her own tail, bolted from the room and dove back under her security couch. 

This chilling display of feline masochism ended without me brandishing a single clove of garlic.  Honest.  Did Ginger learn that if she bites her own tail, it will hurt?  I'm afraid she hasn't made the connections, yet.  But she's 'only five years old'.  There is still plenty of time for her to catch on.  Hopefully, she figures things out before she does herself permanent harm.  And just to make sure she doesn't hurt herself during the next full moon, I'm going to start decorating with strings of garlic cloves.

Vampire Ginger. She only comes out at night.

Ginger, howling at the moon

When the first group of feral feline squatters moved into my yard, I fed them and basically tried to leave them be to do their thing.  Unfortunately, their thing was multiplying like rabbits and before long, they had overrun the place.  Live and let live wasn't working.  So the furry little squatters were spayed or neutered, whatever it took to keep them from multiplying.  Then I planned to revert back to live and let live.

But before the 'Great Spaying Exodus", one cat had a litter of five kittens on my porch.  Then she disappeared and I adopted her kittens.  So much for live and let live. 

This litter of five is different from the outdoor cats.  In fact they are different than any cats I've ever met.  Either they think they're human, they think I'm the mother cat or...they think they're my familiars.  My guess is they're a mix of all three.  Another interesting thing about this "tame" group is that they've retained their feline family trait of not liking humans.  They do tolerate the other humans living in the house but they tend to be  wary of them.  When company comes, the cats scatter in a panic and hide until the visitors leave.  They also dislike other cats.  Since Tommy's been moved indoors, they barely tolerate him.  Fortunately, I think, Tommy is bigger than the rest and a "tad" conceited.  It would never occur to him than anyone could dislike him.  Naturally, it would occur to him that he's hungry.  This hunger occurs to him at frequent intervals, twenty four hours a day.

Anyway, the feline fab five were quite upset when Ginger, the wounded feral was moved onto "their porch" to recuperate.  Fortunately, she's quite familiar with Tommy and he's been showing her the ropes.  Even so, Ginger's progress from outdoor cat to house cat has been slow. 

Ginger finally got bored enough on the porch to begin making midnight forays into the house.  These recon missions only happen late at night after all the other humans are asleep.  And there lies the problem.  Ginger is having an extremely hard time adapting to strange humans.  She's discovered a "safe" place under a couch and rarely comes out until it's dark.

Occasionally, I'll get exasperated in the morning and start moving the couch.  This will flush her out of hiding and cause her to bolt out onto the porch to hang with the others.  But.....before long, Ginger will be back under "her couch".  Until the sun goes down and the moon rises.  Hmmmmm..... 

Maybe I should hang a couple cloves of garlic under the couch..........  

Mozilla Foxfire and computer crashes

Have you ever felt like taking a hammer and bludgeoning a computer?  Or at least turning it over your knee and spanking its bare monitor?

I pity the households that don't have a young person to bail them out of computer problems.  Last night, I tried to check my email.  It was a bad, bad, bad move!  The computer froze.  A banner hover across the top of the monitor screen proclaiming "Mozilla Foxfire is not responding".  It sure as hell wasn't!  I couldn't get off the page.  I couldn't even turn the damn computer off.

I tried everything and then some.  I pressed every key and said every bad word imaginable  In exasperation, I finally fled the room and fetched the resident computer expert, my daughter.

She pressed every key and said a few bad words of her own.  Then she noticed that I was frothing at the mouth. 

She tried to comfort me.  "Ma, put the hammer down.  That won't fix the computer.  It will only make things worse."

"How could it get any worse?"

"Well, for starters, you could break the computer.  It isn't the computer, it's the server."

"HUH?"

"Mozilla.  It's Mozilla.  It keeps malfunctioning.  My computer keeps freezing on me, too."

"But, but but...I can't even turn it off!  I'm going to.."

With lightning fast reflexes, she grabbed my computer killing arm.  "Don't.  All that will do is hurt your hand and kill the computer.  Walk away.  Just walk away.  Eventually it will shut down.  Trust me, it will."

She led me away from the computer and shoved out of the room.  I found other ways to occupy myself.  After half an hour, my daughter said, "Ma, you can stop chewing up pencils and shredding paper now.  The computer has shut itself down." 



   

Dog days of summer

Ahhhh, the dog days of summer.  A long, long, long time ago, when I was a young whippersnapper, I kept hearing that phrase.  I didn't know what it meant, but it certainly sounded menacing. 

Finally, I asked my grandmother about it.  She thought the phrase referred to the time in August when the dogs were sick of the sticky heat and got cranky. 

You never know.  Maybe the hot weather does make dogs cranky.  But the flaw in that explanation is that my sister is the world's biggest bitch.  Any weather makes her mean and cranky.

And I have another problem with the theory.  If hot humid weather is dog weather, then my cats must be dogs because the heat makes them crazy.  The hotter it gets, the more they nag and beg to go out on the porch.  But the fools are wearing fur coats.  So even though the air conditioner is running, I'll leave the door open enough so that they can run in and out.  When they stop running in and out, I start running in and out to check on them.  When they're limply sprawled out, I grab them and haul their furry butts indoors.

 In the middle of the day when things are really heating up, I make them stay indoors.  Even though the porch is on the north side of the house, it can still get unbearably hot. So if I'm lucky, after the cats have been dragged in, they'll settle down and nap.  Today wasn't one of those lucky days.  They nagged while Angie howled.  And when I was nearly ready to scream, they finally settled down.  Just like little kids, cats are so cute when they're sleeping.

If my Grandmother was still here, I'd call her while my feline tormentors were napping.  And if I was feeling cranky, maybe I'd tell her that the dog days of August got their name from a star, not a bunch of drooling slobbering canines.  

    

Feed me, dammit!

Tommy, not a Furby

Tommy is a cat of many moods.  The problem is all those moods make him hungry.   If he's happy, he gets hungry.  If he's bored, he gets hungry.  If things don't go his way, he gets hungry.  If there is anything that doesn't make him hungry, well,  I haven't figured it out yet.

I've tried putting him on a diet but that even made him hungry.  His never ending hunger is slimming down the other cats.  He's always occupying the dry food dishes.  I actually have to stand guard over the other cats to keep Tommy away long enough for them to eat.

I had hoped as the weather improved, Tommy would spend more time on the porch and less time eating.  It was a good theory.  But now that Ginger, the injured feral, is residing on the porch, Tommy's stealing her food, too.

The other night, I fell asleep while trying to watch the news.  In my sleep, I heard a strange deep voice say, "Feed me, dammit!"  I woke up and Tommy was sitting on the floor, staring up at me.  I wonder......   

Yoga for cats

Leg Climb

We all want furry feline members of the family to stay fit and healthy.  Living indoors robs cat of natural opportunities to exercise.   A sedentary cat is at risk for becoming ....the dreaded fat cat.

Kittens have an endless supply of energy.  Older cats need to be encouraged to exercise.  A human is one of the most important pieces of gym equipment an indoor cat can own.  The possibilities for varied and enjoyable exercise routines are endless when a human scratching post is combined with feline creativity.  Here are some feline yoga moves to get you and your cat started.

Lap Warrior Pose

1. Ab pounce with leg claw:: Cat springs from high place onto the abdomen of a sleeping human and flees, leaving a trail of claw marks.

2.  Leg Climb:  Everyone know this move.  Cat sprints up the leg of an unsuspecting human, leaving an attractive pattern of puncture wounds.

3.  Lap warrior:  Cat sits on human lap, while craning neck and sinking claws into flesh.

Cat boxing combined with chair pose

4:  Upward screen:  Cat climbs up screen leaving tears that must be mended.

5:  Downward drape stretch:  Cat stretches and sinks claws into drapes.  Cat then rakes claws down the drapes and moves into forward hanging drape tear.

6:  Chair tear pose:  There are many variations of this.  My favorite is: Cat walks up to back of upholstered chair, inserts claws and begins shredding.

7: Upward woodwork salute:  Cat stretches up high and rakes claws up and down wooden objects.

8:  Predator spring:  Cat springs from high place onto unsuspecting human back, again inserting claws.  This exercise is great fun for the cat, not so much for the human.  This maneuver often smoothly glides into the riding a bucking human bronco pose.

With a willing human victim, even indoors, a cat can stay fit.  

Salem in variation of chair pose.  Angie doing upward woodwork salute. 

   

   



  

Feline field guide to waking up humans

On page twelve of  the "Field Guide to Waking Up Your Human",  rule #242 plainly states, "It is unwise to wake a human gently".   Unfortunately, this guide book doesn't explain why the hell humans must be terrorized into wakefulness.

Lately, my cats have been taking rule #242 to the extreme.  This morning, Leo sprang from a high place and landed on my abs of steel, carefully landing very firmly with all four feet.  Jolting awake, I probably shouted a few select cuss words.  They must have been bad ones because he clawed his way down my leg before fleeing.  Rule #276:  "Humans with potty mouth must be punished".  Needless to say, my day did not start auspiciously.

Still, the "ab pounce with leg claw" wasn't as bad as the time Salem scurried across my head.  I prefer to comb my own hair and really could have done without that.  I'm sure I violated rule #276 that morning but she never got the chance to apply punitive measures.  She was too busy running for her life.

Right about now, some wise-ass is saying, "Well, why don't you just close the door, Stupid?"  To this, I must shriek, "BECAUSE IT DOESN'T WORK, DAMMIT!"

Leo hates closed doors even worse than he detests me trying to sleep.  He'll work his paws under the offending closed door and start rattling it.  This sounds like a gang of thugs is trying to kick the door in.  If it wasn't for Angie cheering him on by howling, I'd probably be terrified and dial 911.   After a few of these sessions, the "ab pounce with leg claw" doesn't seem so bad.

Some people wake to the sounds of bird song.  I'm more apt to wake to the melodious music of Miss B. hacking up another of her endless supply of hair balls.  This is another great way to start a day.  Rule #113: "Keep the human busy.  If she's cleaning up a mess, she won't have time to wring your neck."

Proprietor of Salem's Hair Salon