Feline field guide to waking up humans

On page twelve of  the "Field Guide to Waking Up Your Human",  rule #242 plainly states, "It is unwise to wake a human gently".   Unfortunately, this guide book doesn't explain why the hell humans must be terrorized into wakefulness.

Lately, my cats have been taking rule #242 to the extreme.  This morning, Leo sprang from a high place and landed on my abs of steel, carefully landing very firmly with all four feet.  Jolting awake, I probably shouted a few select cuss words.  They must have been bad ones because he clawed his way down my leg before fleeing.  Rule #276:  "Humans with potty mouth must be punished".  Needless to say, my day did not start auspiciously.

Still, the "ab pounce with leg claw" wasn't as bad as the time Salem scurried across my head.  I prefer to comb my own hair and really could have done without that.  I'm sure I violated rule #276 that morning but she never got the chance to apply punitive measures.  She was too busy running for her life.

Right about now, some wise-ass is saying, "Well, why don't you just close the door, Stupid?"  To this, I must shriek, "BECAUSE IT DOESN'T WORK, DAMMIT!"

Leo hates closed doors even worse than he detests me trying to sleep.  He'll work his paws under the offending closed door and start rattling it.  This sounds like a gang of thugs is trying to kick the door in.  If it wasn't for Angie cheering him on by howling, I'd probably be terrified and dial 911.   After a few of these sessions, the "ab pounce with leg claw" doesn't seem so bad.

Some people wake to the sounds of bird song.  I'm more apt to wake to the melodious music of Miss B. hacking up another of her endless supply of hair balls.  This is another great way to start a day.  Rule #113: "Keep the human busy.  If she's cleaning up a mess, she won't have time to wring your neck."

Proprietor of Salem's Hair Salon