Spring feverish

They're back.  I've never seen them.  I don't know what the hell they are, but every spring evening, I hear them. 

Whenever I ask anybody about the noise, they just say, "Oh, those are peepers."
"Peepers?  What are peepers?"
"Oh....you know.  They're just peepers."

Nobody knows what peepers really are.  I never met anyone that's actually seen a peeper.  Peepers must be pretty big to create the racket they do.  But I've never heard anybody complaining about a herd of peepers trampling their shrubbery.  Nobody gets in a car accident because because a peeper or two have wandered into the road.  I've never even seen peeper road kill. 

What do these mysterious peepers eat?  I've never met anyone that's been bitten by a peeper.  Vets give rabies shots but they don't vaccinate against peepers.  Raccoons, bears and skunks pillage trash cans.  I've never heard any complaints about peepers scattering the trash or tearing down bird feeders.  Local farmers complain about birds, raccoons and deer ravaging their crops.  Maybe these animals are just innocent scapegoats taking the blame for ravenous peepers.

 Scientists and game wardens scoff at the idea of yetis existing because yetis don't leave carcasses or scat.  I've got news for you.  Neither do peepers.  So maybe what's really peeping out there in the swamps at night is yetis.  It's time our lazy scientists got off their duffs and stopped wasting their time looking for brain activity in dog owners.  Finding a working brain in a dog owner would be like discovering a heart in my mother-in-law.  Forget it.  These things do not exist so scientists will never find them.  Instead those silly grant gobbling scientists should turn their attention to those mysterious nocturnal creatures that keep us awake all night with their whooping and screaming.

But once those mysterious peepers start peeping, it really is spring.  Another sign of spring is ticks and I've already seen a couple of those.  The ticks of the flower world, dandelions, are also popping up.  Before long, it will be time for the good stuff, the lilacs and black flies.  Some time during the black fly reign of terror, their pals, blood thirsty mosquitoes, will join them.  While the black flies and mosquitoes are driving me indoors, their comrades, the ants, will be raiding the pantry. 

By June, June bugs will be smacking themselves senseless against the windows.  Fireflies will be flickering and flirting with fiery ends of my cigarettes.  Zombie tomcats will have breached the barricades and commenced to obliterate the garden.  Oh, well.  At least the poison ivy will continue to thrive.

Will the warm weather cause the house cats to start shedding?  It's hard to tell.  I'm still waiting for them to stop.  But by the time the humidity dampens my doorway, I'll be wishing for snow.